Hamsterdam Herald

Sports, Entertainment, Nonsense

Top-Five Worst Jerseys to Wear in Public

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Published under Cameron Papp, Sports

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November 27, 2012

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So my friends and I decided to all go in on a jersey-purchasing extravaganza, as we tend to do every three months. The reason we join forces is that the knock-off, Chinese website we purchase from offers a flat shipping rate of about $20 no matter how many jerseys you purchase.

Therefore, if we all go in together, we can split the shipping cost and attain almost any jersey we want for about $25 per jersey. I knew I went to college for something.

I would tell you what website we use, but I’m afraid Roger Goodell will burst through my door, kick my ass and refuse to give me healthcare if I expose the sketchy company.

Anyway, my jersey choice was that of my man crush, Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver A.J. Green. One friend got a nice UCLA Kevin Love jersey and another went with the San Fransisco Giants’ Buster Posey.

But one friend made a shocking choice. This man — an avid Giants fan — to my dismay, decided he was going to purchase a San Francisco Giants Barry Bonds jersey.

I know what you’re thinking, “just another wine-drinking, sushi-eating, Journey-singing Giants fan.”

Well, yes, that is true. But his other reason for purchasing the jersey was to be “that guy.” He wants to get a rise out of people while he walks down the street as someone shakes his or her head at him and mutters, “d-bag.”

So that got us thinking. What is the worst possible sports jersey — the one jersey where any real sports fan looks at you while wearing with it with utter disgust and amazement — one could wear in public?

Well my friends, here are our top-five worst jerseys to wear in public.


5. Barry Bonds

barry bonds

Let’s just start right here, shall we? With one of the most despised athletes ever.  Yes, Giants fans, we know a lot of people used steroids and human growth hormones during the early 2000s. Your guy was just the only super dick who did it.

Of course, Mr. Bonds took down a record produced by one of the classier ballplayers ever in Hank Aaron. So now baseball has a fake home run record and Bonds has a nice asterisk on his record-breaking ball placed in Hall of Fame.

Oh, but Pete Rose can’t get in the Hall. Right.

But hey, if you want to wear a jersey to represent a former player who once refused to sign a baseball that would later be auctioned off for charity, go right ahead. Just make sure to get one of those sweet ones with an asterisk sewn on the shoulder.


4. Karl Malone

karl malone

One of the most overrated basketball players of all time. “I model my basketball game after Karl Malone” – said no one, ever.

This is the guy who said he wouldn’t play with Magic Johnson because he had aids.  He won an egregious MVP over Michael Jordon in 1997 because everyone said “Umm, shit do we have to give it to Michael again?”

You can’t blame them, right? There are only about 4,000 NBA players I’d rather have the ball in crunch time than Karl Malone.

If you’re going to wear a Utah Jazz jersey, put on something awesome like a John Stockton along with some super short shorts.


3. Any Cleveland Brown Quarterback

browns qb

Poor Cleveland. How can I rip on Cleveland? Ripping on Cleveland is a lot performing plastic surgery on Meg Ryan’s face. We know it’s been done and at this point is excessive, but we keep doing it anyway.

Let’s just say a Brandon Weeden jersey is probably not a great investment.


2. O.J. Simpson

oj simpson

This one should be obvious right? But the more I kept thinking about it, the more I wanted to take him off this list. I mean, you have to be pretty ballsy to wear an O.J. Simpson jersey at this point.

I think if I saw someone wearing an O.J. Simpson jersey walking towards me, I would immediately start walking the other way. I don’t want to talk to him, I don’t want to know anything about him and nothing good could come out of a conversation with this person.

Plus, what if he or she was wearing a Buffalo Bills O.J. Simpson jersey? You know, when he had one of the greatest single season rushing performances of all time (2,003 yards in a 14 game season!).

I don’t know, I might respect someone for wearing that.

Then I remembered he killed somebody.


1. Lebron James Heat Jersey

The most controversial one on the list has to be my number one! My fellow Hamsterdam-editor/writer/partner-in-crime/future-godfather-of-my-son-Kobe-Papp, Zack Coomer, hates that I included Bron Bron on this list.

Zack is an NBA fanatic who loves to watch Lebron because he’s a freak of nature, maybe the best athlete in all of sports and by far the best player in the NBA. I get all that. If you enjoy watching superior play from a superior athlete and therefore enjoy watching Mr. James alley-oop over John Lucas every night, I have no issue with that.

This isn’t a referendum on James. It’s time to get over the horrific, narcissistic atrocity that was The Decision. Even Cleveland will move on someday…maybe.

But let me just put it this way: if you wear a Lebron James Heat jersey, you ARE a fair-weather fan. I would say I should put a caveat to this rule by adding, “unless you’ve been a Heat fan your entire life” but there’s no such thing as this phenomenon, let’s be honest. Fan Up Miami!

I picture someone who wears a Miami Heat Lebron James jersey as the super loud BRO that showed up to your college parties with a wife-beater, a Yankees hat and a 30-pack of Keystone Light. You know who I’m talking about. Everyone knows one.

It tells me that the person either:

  1. Doesn’t know shit about basketball and is just trying to match his Jordans
  2. Jumped on the bandwagon – or –
  3. Is 12 years old and doesn’t know any better yet

So if you’re OK with all of that then more power to you. Just don’t be surprised when someone mutters, “d-bag” and shakes his or her head as you walk down the street with your Heat jersey and Yankees hat on.



Honorable Mention:

Alex Rodriguez — too easy

Luis Saurez — our favorite across-the-seas racist

Rae Carruth — I wasn’t touching this one with 5,000-foot pole

Kobe Bryant — direct quote from my friend: “If you leave Kobe No. 8 off the top-five, you’re fooling yourself. Remember, he requested a trade, ‘raped’ a chick and broke up the championship team. He’s the biggest prima donna in the league.”

Tim Tebow — he likes Jesus, let’s get his jersey!

Brett Favre — went from extremely overrated to “another guy who sent a picture of his penis to someone.”

If you have any better ones, send them my way. Maybe I’ll update the list eventually.

About the Author

Cameron Papp works in marketing & communications and currently resides in San Francisco, California. When he's not writing about sports and entertainment, he likes to run, drink beer and listen to shitty 90s music. And he does this all at the same time. Originally from Cincinnati, he loves the Reds, hates Mike Brown and is slowly, sometimes achingly, adapting to living in the new sports-town USA.
  • http://beeg.com Bulg

    That article about Bonds not signing for some cancer charity because he “doesn’t sign for white people” is bs. It’s hersay from a random player wrote a book to make some money smearing players. Bonds didn’t sign because he “hates white people”? I’m going to have to cite the Chewbacca defense: It doesn’t make sense. His wife was white and his children are half white. But hey, doesn’t matter to the press; it’s a provocative story! Even if he refutes it no one will believe him because the press hates him! Awesome!

    • Cameron Papp

      Right. I hate when an “unreliable source” is a former baseball player. The Chewbacca defense was used to prove that O.J. was innocent.

  • Your Future Baby Mama

    You’re funny :) Keep writing entertaining things for me to read. And please end the NHL lockout for me as well. Thanks.

  • Ditka

    Michael Vick should be an Honorable mention.

    • http://www.facebook.com/cameron.papp Cameron Papp

      Vick was mentioned. I don’t know why he didn’t make the final cut. Part 2!

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